How To Deal

Cancer gives you a lot to deal with:

There is the good, the really, really good.  The straight from heaven good.
Early on in my diagnosis, I blogged about "Top Ten Good Things About Cancer."  I could not have imagined at that time, the extraordinary goodness of my family, friends, and even strangers.  It has been humbling and uplifting to be on the receiving end of cards, phone calls, prayers, dinners cooked with love and thoughtfulness from our church family, Vanessa and Linda taking care of our girls (and us) while we are in NYC at MSK (and at home), incredibly thoughtful gifts, hugs, my sister Katie, Lou and Baby Lyla always being there for us, visits, snow plowing, FB hellos, trash taking out, dogs walked, house cleaned.... the list is long, and seriously, incredibly humbling.  My gratitude for the people who have really, clearly inconvenienced themselves so that I can know that I am loved throughout this journey is enormous.  There is not a way that I know to adequately express how meaningful this is, and how essential it is to have this kind of love and support while battling cancer.  Without it, it would be difficult to not be despairing, depressed, and drained.

There is the obvious.
The usual suspects - physical pain, nausea, hearing the words "you have cancer," losing my hair, my 'normal,' my freedom, my ability to walk.

There is the heart breaking, the life changing.
Seeing children who have the same cancer as I, fight this fight - and then die.  A lot of these kids were diagnosed young, and knew the life of a patient better than they did the life of just being a child.  It is heart wrenching.  To try and describe the soul-twisting pain that these families endure is too big for me to attempt.  So, in the words of Forrest Gump, that's all I have to say about that.

There is loss 
I am on a board for osteosarcoma.  I am the only patient on the board, being that mine is a pediatric cancer, the rest are parents of children with osteosarcoma.  It is a great online support community, everything from boots-on-the-ground suggestions on dealing with symptoms, to best doctors, and emotional support.  I asked the group what the hardest part of dealing with cancer is for them.   The responses were many and surprisingly unanimous.  Across the globe (literally), the answer was feeling abandoned by those you care for, and you thought cared for you.

There is abandonment.
Their children dealt with this at school, one heartbreaking story was of a 16 year old girl whose boyfriend broke up with her upon diagnosis because she was 'going to die anyway.'  There were stories of best friends dropping off the radar completely because they thought cancer was contagious, they couldn't handle going to the hospital, having a bald friend, and worse they thought they were lying to get attention.  Whatever their reason, the one dealing with cancer, looking for support from their friend, was abandoned.  

The parent's experiences from the board, were more like my own.  Many had family they thought would always be there for them, who did not so much as send a card or an email.  No family is perfect, but, to me, your family is your responsibility in life.  Even when things are not peachy-keen, when the chips are down (or someone is battling a life-threatening illness), the wagons are circled, old baggage is dropped and you show up in some way to support your family.  Sadly, this is not always the case.  There are very close members of my family who have not sent a card, or even an email.  I feel abandoned by these few important people in my family that I thought would be a part of my life forever.

I know that if I focus on the feeling of abandonment by a few, is to dishonor those that are fighting alongside me, praying for me, and sharing love with me in ways big and small.  Worse, it causes emotional pain which inhibits physical healing.

Why blog about this very personal and painful aspect of my life?  I though about it a lot.  I have been honest all along in my writing.  To say or indicate that I am only surrounded by love and not pain, would not be the truth.  Also, this, sadly, does not seem to be unique to me.  I wanted to say that if there is someone you know who is dealing with a loss, suffering a crisis of health or otherwise, err on the side of love and compassion.  Send a card, pick up the phone, do something to say to that person they are not alone, that you feel for them, tell them you are praying for them (if you are).  To think you shouldn't do so because you might get hung up on, they are too sick, too busy, might be sleeping, etc. is a cop-out.  Do what you can to share love with someone you know who is suffering.  You might be the difference between joy and despair.

LOVE.
Of all the things cancer gives you to deal with, I choose love.  I choose to focus on those I love and those who love me back.   I choose gratitude.  I am whole-heartedly grateful for the many extraordinary, unexpected ways that I have been blessed by my husband, children, friends, faith, doctors, nurses, and strangers.

I am no expert, but that is how to deal as best I can.


ABOVE: I love the instant newborn sisterly love in the video above!
BELOW: Jessica's daily affirmations - that's how she deals! :)