Everything (does not) Happen for a Reason

We often console ourselves and others with this old saying, "Everything happens for a reason."  I beg to differ with this old adage.  Here is another one, "God only gives you what you can handle.". Nonsense. This likens God to a child seeing how much pressure a pencil can bear before it breaks.  

Three weeks ago, I was back at MSKCC (a.k.a. Oz), for a day of scans, x-rays, etc. .  We got the very happy news that I am "All Clear!". I continue my NERD (No Evidence of Recurring Disease) status!  To have spent the day at the Pediatric Day Hospital again, and to have spent the last year with children who have cancer,  I know for sure that everything does NOT happen for a reason.  There is no good reason that a 12 year old girl should know how to pronounce Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, Neuroblastoma, Rhabodosarcoma, or Osteosarcoma.  Further, they should not have to  know  what it is and how to treat it.  They were not given this disease by God because they could 'handle it' nor did they -as one email I was forwarded recently suggested- bring on the dis-ease (of mind or body) themselves because they were holding onto an old grudge, or did not think happy enough thoughts.  Ridiculous.  

Insert whatever situation you want into this absurd-when-you-think-about-it-phrase.  Why did the brave young soldier lose his limb, his friend, his sense of peace in his own head (PTSD)?  Why did my friend lose her Mother to cancer?  Why have so many parents I know lose their children to cancer?  What about a whole village to a tsunami?  Did God cause a miscarriage because he wanted to punish someone, or thought they wouldn't be good enough parents? I have seen enough crappy parents with lots of children to know for sure this is not the case.  More obnoxious a proposal yet is that God actively chose to give me or anyone else cancer so we could learn from it.

This is not to say that in every situation great and small there is not something to be learned.  There is always something to learn.  There is always a way we can do better, be better, and even appreciate the good more.  I submit that we do not need a tragedy or a life-changing diagnosis to learn to be a better, more deserving  or empathetic person.  Sometimes suffering helps you to realize what a gift life is, and it certainly gives you perspective.  But I believe our God is a loving and merciful God, not one who hands out diseases and tragedies to those who lack happy enough thoughts or who are not of pure enough heart.  If this were the case, there would be no such thing as a Pediatric Cancer Center.  

I do believe that there are people and experiences that are put in your path that you can find purpose in.  For example, a family I know of lost their  9 year old to Osteosarcoma a few months ago.  There is no good reason this happened to this family, God is not a selfish one who needed another angel.  In the few short months since their daughter's death, they have found a reason to carry on.  Of course for each other as a family first and foremost, and also to honor their daughter and raise funds for research in childhood cancers so that no one else has to endure their unimaginable pain.  Their daughter did not die because every thing happens for a reason, but they found purpose (or reason) in this colossal loss to help other families and scientists. 

Bad things happen to good people, and to not so good ones too, all the time.  Our goal as humans might be to find a purpose in the pain. 

When someone says "Everything happens for a reason" I think they are really asking "why did this happen?" and  "How can I make this better?". When "it" happens to us, we might try actively finding a purposefulness in it, rather than placing responsibility for it happening on some cosmic, unknown future purpose.  

I never asked "Why me?". I always supposed "Why not me?" I was, and am truly, wholeheartedly grateful that it did happen to me, and not to one of my children.  I prayed the unofficial new parent's prayer with the birth of each of our daughters, "please spare this beautiful child from harm, give it to me instead.". I know for sure that any parent who has a sick child would trade places without a moment's thought if they could.  

To find peace or purpose in suffering is a journey.  To know that "it" happened for no good reason is an important place to start on that journey.  

Comments

  1. BRAVO!!! Well said! You've said the exact things I have thought over the years.

    We were told exactly that, by a visitor to our house, that our 15 yo or we had done something that deserved him getting osteosarcoma, that it was punishment meted out from God. Our son reasoned wisely, "Well, then why isn't everyone walking around with and dying from cancer?" Needless to say, the visitor was shown the door. He's lucky that's all that happened.

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  2. Oh, how I love your son's clear thinking! He is SO right! BRAVO Right back at you for raising a strong, brave and brilliant son!

    Thanks for reading!

    Love,
    A

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  3. Hi Ann. As always, your post is very thought provoking and inspiring. Love you my NERD friend :)

    With much peace & respect,
    Sheila

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  4. Thank you for a wonderful new perspective .... I am happy I got cancer-so my son/brother.. Any family member didn't, I have never said that, and I thank u for this beautiful thought...

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  5. I am also an Osteosarcoma survivor of 12 years. I too was told MANY times everything happens for a reason or that God gave me this to use to his glory. I DO NOT believe that God gave me cancer. We live in a fallen world with sin. Since the fall of man sickness, death and disease has been something mankind has struggled with. To somehow make sense of everything. I believe that what Satan has intended for evil and creating doubt, God uses for his glory in some way or another. I agree with you whole heartedly that God is not punishing his children just to teach them a lesson, just as a mother does not put her childs hand to the stove to "teach" that child a lesson. I have learned so much from cancer. I have been through so much and my life was forever changed by my experiances with cancer. I pray my childhood that was stolen from me was used in someway for the Glory of the Lord. I will not let Satan win by giving him the satisfaction of doubting God's unfailing love for us! :-) looking forward to reading more of your blogs! You should follow me at www.ialwayswantedtoshavemyhead.blogspot.com
    Till There is a Cure...
    Tiffany

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  6. Thanks Ann - Your last post meant a lot to me as I sit bedside at a children's hospital. Doug is 14, and has osteo. I agree wholeheartedly with your sentiment and rationale. We have already met so many on the 3 month odyssey, and I sense it will lead to purpose.

    In the meantime, I want a NERD as much as you can well imagine.

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  7. Hi Scott,
    Your post means so much to me. I am grateful it meant something to you. May God keep you and your family strong through this grueling journey you are on.

    Have you found ACOR yet? There is an osteo group there that are a life-line for support, info and encouragement.

    I am praying for Doug now. Keep the faith - remember don't tell God how big your storm is, tell the storm how big your God is.

    Love and Prayers,
    Ann

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  8. Hello Ann,
    I found your blog after reading your CNN article. You are an amazing person! Your views are golden and I only wish more people thought like you. My niece had Ewing's Sarcoma and passed away almost two years ago, at the age of 12. She will always be my hero. I often wonder how our society could ever put an adult's life before a child's. How is it possible that pediatric cancer has been put on the back burner? Thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful words. Praying for your continued health.

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  9. Dear Jaime,

    Thank you for reading my blog, and for your very kind words. I am so sorry for the loss of your niece on earth. It is not fair that this should happen. I am sure that she is forever with you and your family.

    We need to fight for her and all the little ones who deserve so much better from our brightest researchers. We need to give them the tools to find better treatments and hopefully a cure.

    A part of me has survivors guilt - it can be debilitating if you let it be the boss of you - I use it to fuel the fight to make it better, so children have better treatments, and hopefully a cure.

    Many Thanks Again,
    Ann

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